Just De

Just De
Just De in Manhattan

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Okay, this blog was born out of drama

Now that I see I have one official follower (thanks Dennis), I know I have at least someone who wants to read what I have to say. To be perfectly honest with you, this blog was born out of pain and a little bit of drama. You see, as life would take me, I have been out of the writing game for about seven years. The job that gave me my first shot as a professional writer, wasn't a good fit. So, I did what most people do in that situation: I panicked and tried another field to support myself.
I have always been trying to get back into the game, everyone from my parents, sister and friends have asked me why in the world am I NOT writing. But it wasn't until recently that my passion and tenacity really hit me over the head like a brick. I was determined to not only get back to New York and resume writing, but I also wanted to reclaim my life.

I moved from Long Island to Battle Creek about a year ago in order to help my sister who was diagnosed with a serious form of cancer. By the grace of God, she is doing amazing-- cancer free for over a year! And with that prognosis, I felt it was time to resume my own life and pick up where I left off. As circumstance would have it, I was fortunate enough to transfer my job from Long Island to Michigan without problems last year and I heard that there was an opportunity to return with a slight promotion. The only challenge was that the position needed me right away.

Thrilled at the chance that I could come back to New York, I told my boyfriend about the news. I was less than thrilled when he seemed to be ignoring me and didn't return my calls. When he finally got back to me, it was through facebook and only to say that he didn't know what to tell me, but he was happy that I would return. Talk about a blow to the gut! I began to see the handwriting on the wall. But as stubborn as I am I refused to let it go.

Fastforward to now. After I kicked my boyfriend off Facebook for his indifference to my return, I decided to let him back on the social networking site after I cooled down a bit. But I still refused to really have any interaction with him, I just enjoyed being nosey. Until one day I noticed his post were really interesting. Before I left for Michigan, he always said he would finally move out if his parents home and get a place of his own...something that I thought would be for us when I returned. So when he started to post he found a place and he was moving out finally, it provoked me to talk to him to get answers. When I talked to him, he confirmed the posts and said he was indeed moving out and he had found a place. Now, keep in mind, we weren't on the best of terms during this period and I totally know about long distance relationship thing. But I really thought I was still in his heart. That quickly changed when I noticed that the same woman kept writing on his Facebook wall.

I wasn't immediately jealous because after all I wasn't there with him, he's a good looking guy and to be honest men write on my Facebook wall all the time. No Big Deal. Until I commented on his Facebook wall, thinking I was still his girlfriend, only to have him remove it hours later. Big blow to the gut. That's when I went a little crazy on him. I called, I texted, I left Facebook comments all in the effort to get answers.

I finally wore him down enough to get him to talk. At first he told me that the time and distance was the factor, but it wasn't until I specifically mentioned his new girlfriend's name that he admitted that there were someone else. But I had no idea what else was to follow. I planned a trip to New York about two months before all of this happened and I was thinking about cancelling the trip. But my friends then reminded me of how big New York is and it was more than enough for me and my ex. Besides, they all missed me and assured me a fabulous time.

So I went ahead and kept with my plans to return to New York. I did tell my ex that I was still coming and I wanted to talk to him. He then tells me that his new girlfriend is living with him. Talk about another blow to the gut! In his words, "her life is going places and she just needed some help from me, that's why I moved her in so soon." Wow. After nine years, he never made that kind of commitment to me, but whatever. I needed his help too, but again, whatever. My life is also going places, but again, whatever! And to think he, could have been around for the ride.

So, I ended up meeting up with my ex. We talked in his car because his new love didn't want him to take me out. It was pretty intense because at first I really did curse him out, yell and scream and I was just pissed off at him. But then I calmed down because I knew I came for a reason, to get answers and to see if it were really over between us. I came prepared, hair and makeup together and a slammin black dress with my sexy stiletto heels. Just to remind him of what he would be giving up. Trust me, he remembered and even mentioned it when we were talking. He even took me to his parents house, I guess for me to say goodbye to them. That was hard too. I really did grow to love his parents and I know that his father really did love me. His mother was still on the fence about me, but I will get to that whole thing on a different post. But I will never forget when my ex's father hugged and kissed me and said "I'm so sorry things didn't work out." All I could say was "Thanks." But all I wanted to do was cry.

When my ex took me back to my car, he touched my face and kissed me the way he did for nine years when he was mine. So I am thinking, I should be in fight mode, and if I just came back to New York, we could capture all that was lost. WRONG! After that joker kissed me, he quickly mentioned that he was engaged! WTF! Engaged after only a month. Talk about a shot to the heart! I was completely devastated. Especially after he says to me that he was just kidding and he hadn't officially proposed to her and that she doesn't have a ring yet. But then he said that he probably wants to marry her and even went so far as to say, "If you can't be with the one you love (me), love the one you're with."

There is much more to the story, but I'm getting too personal and this post is too long. But the point of this whole post is this: My ex and I were always so rocky, always so wrong for each other. Everyone around me would tell me the same thing and I wouldn't listen. The heart wants what the heart wants. It's not so much that I am hurt that he moved on and found someone else, it hurts that he could have treated me better and everything that he is probably doing for his new love now, he could have done for me. Because I was there with him through a lot and helped him through numerous things.

How I am choosing happiness is: I am no longer concerned with what people think. I have to do me. And for a long time I neglected me. I tried to jump through so many hoops to keep this man, someone who never really appreciated me. I am choosing to also find happiness within myself so that one day someone can find me and be that person that God has created just for me. (Remember ladies, the man has to find you.)I have learned that either it (that special love) is there or it's not. And for me and my ex, it wasn't. And believe it or not, I don't fault him for that. However, I still have issues with how he did everything. And part of me choosing happiness is me choosing to think that he was a bit of an ASSHOLE!


Shannan said...

Okay, first of all (and I know you stated that you weren't going to, but...) Don't fight for this idiot! He cheated on you once(@ least) and would do it again. Too many women fight for a men that does not deserve them. Women even tend to blame the girl he is cheating with instead of holding the slime bag accountable (ever seen an episode of Cheaters?). If he is chasing after her and you are chasing after him, no one is chasing after you. Instead, you need to find happiness within yourself, then instead of chasing someone, find the one that runs toward you. Knowing you, I know that you deserve that. Men make women messy. As natural caregivers, we automatically start trying to show a man how wonderful we are and what great partners we would make, often at our own expense. Focus on your writing and your career. Don't worry about a guy...any guy. If you were to jump back in now, you would just repeat the pattern you had because you would just be replacing your ex-not learning from the experience, realizing what you do and don't want from a relationship (and yourself) and finding someone that shares your values and beliefs. Go after your dreams. You are never too old to make them come true and your experiences will lend to your writing. I don't know if you remember the audition I posted but it was called "Happiness is a Choice." Every day we make a choice to be happy or miserable. To look at our life and see what is wrong or what is right. I am glad that you chose to move back to New York. You are choosing to not let this man control your life. I am sure you will be wildly successful Good luck!

just de said...

Awe Shannan. Still so sweet.

Girl, thanks for the comment and reading my blog. But I do want to clear up a couple things. My ex is not a cheater. A coward, maybe. But he wasn't a cheater. I really think he just put me in a place in his mind a long time ago and now that he has his life a little more in order, he doesn't need me and has to make sure I don't interfere. Don't think I am defending him either, but technically he didn't cheat. We do live in different cities and to be honest, if I lived in a different city than Battle Creek, I may have met someone too. lol.

In regards to his girlfriend, I don't blame her at all for this. I don't know her. And to be honest with you, I feel a little sorry for her. Because if they are engaged that quickly, then chances are she doesn't really know him. Again not my business, I am mean I am the scorned ex girlfriend, but just my opinion. The thing that hurts about all of this is I was a good girlfriend, I was a good friend. No I was not perfect, but I was there for him. Through a lot.

So thanks for reading my blog. I promise, this won't always read like the life of Debbie Downer. But I hope that it will be entertaining, thought-provoking and helpful to others.